Politically Correct Christmas

Found this at Jumbo Joke



From my files dated Christmas ...1996. We sure haven't come a long way.

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And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

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My records also note this was written by John Leo, author of the book,
Two Steps Ahead of the Thought Police, a collection of his columns from U.S. News & World Report. I like it when things go around with proper attribution! If people could do it in 1996, we can do it now....

If you click on the Jumbo Joke link, don't spend 2 hours reading jokes.
Sharon
Answers For Your Health

Give Your Brain A Memory Upgrade

It's never too late to be what you might have been.
George Eliot

If you want a memory upgrade for your brain, you might want to think about what you are snacking on during the day and evening. Put away those chips and cookies and think blue and crunchy. How about a handful of blueberries? Follow that up with the satisfying crunch of some walnuts.

This information from House Calls ---

New research -- The study was conducted using older lab rats that were fed diets that contained two percent, six percent or nine percent walnuts. The results showed a reversal of brain aging and motor and cognitive deficits related to aging.

The researchers said that the six percent diet they used with the rats would be equivalent to your eating about one ounce of walnuts per day. A side benefit of eating walnuts is that this amount is also recommended for lowering your LDL "bad" cholesterol—not to mention a healthy amount of fiber.

Time for more vinegar magic.

Dissolve warts. Mix one part Apple Cider Vinegar to one part glycerin into a lotion and apply daily to warts until they dissolve.

Whiten, brighten, and strengthen fingernails. Soak fingernails in ReaLemon for ten minutes, then brush with a mixture of equal parts white vinegar and warm water. Rinse well.

Company coming for the holidays and you really want to spruce up the kitchen, try this. Use a mixture of 1/2 cup white vinegar and 1/2 a bucket of warm water to mop your unwaxed ceramic or linoleum floors. Ah the sparkle.

Is one of your soon to be guests tall enough to see the top of your refrigerator? For a quick clean of the accumulated cooking grease and dirt just use full strength white vinegar. Not only shiny and clean but disinfected as well.

until next time -- smile
Sharon
(c)AnswersForYourHealth

Holiday Tips For Safety

In your cell phone do you have these #'s
insurance company
emergency road service
especially when traveling during the holidays - house sitter or a neighbor, car rental company, airline, hotel front desk,

As the busy shopping season is upon us, and the longer you wait to shop, the more you become unaware of your surrounding because of stress.

We have already had some purse snatching incidents at the store. When shopping for groceries, snap the child safety belt through the handle of your purse. Never leave your purse in the cart unattended for even a second. A second is all it takes for someone to pick up your purse and keep walking.

When you get to your car with your groceries, don't just throw your purse in the front seat and then walk to the back to load groceries in your trunk. If you put your purse in the car, lock the door and hold the keys in your pocket or hand. If possible, get a carry out and have someone else load your groceries in the car while you hold your purse.

Remember always check the back seat of your car before getting in it. Don't park next to vans, don't leave packages in plain sight and if possible always shop with a companion. Stay in lighted areas at night and don't try to carry too many packages at once.

If you are alone, carry your car keys in your hand with the keys sticking out between your fingers. This gives you something to use as a weapon should someone approach you


This joyous time of year can be deadly for your pets.

It is best to not put any presents for your dog or cat under the tree, especially smelly treats. Left alone in the room that just invites your pet to sniff out the treats and open their presents early. Remember that your pet's sense of smell is many times stronger than your own.

I have written before about the year my mother-in-law sent us a box of chocolate candy. We did not know what was in the box until we got up one morning (before Christmas) and found the box shredded all over the floor and a very stuffed sick little dog.

Keep in mind that you should think of your pets the same way you would small toddlers. And just like children, they'll get their paws into anything you leave out. Our cat has already discovered that she can climb the tree and hide in the branches. We have elected to not put any tinsel on the tree as this is a most dangerous trimming.

Gift ribbons and bows can present a choking hazard. Pets can chew on them, choke or get them lodged in their intestines. Glass ornaments can break in your pet's mouth sending you on a emergency run to the vet.

Resist the temptation of putting a red ribbon around the cat's throat. Cute, but left unattended, animals can easily become hooked up on something and, in the worse case scenario, they can be strangled to death.

Most of us have heard that poinsettia plants are poisonous to pets. But that's not the only greenery associated with the Christmas season that can make them sick. As you deck the halls with boughs of holly, be mindful of setting them out of reach of your animals. Ivy, mistletoe and hibiscus plants can all be dangerous if your pet eats them.

And need I say that giving your pets all those delicious scraps after your holiday meal is an absolute no-no. Sure a taste of turkey is ok, but make very sure that no bones are present. Turkey bones, just like chicken bones, splinter easily and can perforate intestines.

Just as you will no doubt feel a little over stuffed and possibly even have some bowel problems after the rich holiday foods, you can throw your animals into a serious diarrhea situation by suddenly changing up their normal diet.

So keep this holiday safe and sane. Celebrate your own customs and enjoy family and friends.

If you are "alone" then share yourself with others in the same situation. Send cards to those far from home. There are many good Internet sites that give addresses to send cards to our service men. Consider helping to serve food at your local shelter. Perhaps you have some old but still in good condition blankets - those unfortunates living on the street have a great need. And don't forget the Christmas angels. Around here, this is a major source of gifts for those children that will not otherwise receive a present.

Give of yourself - the most precious gift of all.

Sharon
Answers For Your Health